Random swot vacciness

So the march of swot vac continues. I gain on my subjects everyday - which is a good thing!

And also I continue philosophising. It occurs to me again, I find few things wholesome in nature. There are good things and good people, but there is always something tainted about it. See, it's like food. Hawker food, Mc Donalds and most of Chinese Cuisene is really tasty. You could go on it for a long time. But after awhile you want some good plain rice with some healthy vegetables and just boiled chicken and potatoes.

That's the thing about life outside the Christian circles. It's like I'm eating Mc Donald's everyday. Thing about it is that eating Mc Donald's long enough and I start missing bread and fish. Eat bread and fish long enough - and you start thinking about Mc Donald's!

The ongoing battle of good and evil eh? Or is everyone searching for something to fill some theoretical gap in the fabric that composes a human being? I don't know. But I'd like to think that we are whole - or capable of it at least. I'd like the constant war of good and evil within to die. To recognise that both are equally needed and perhaps to even build on each other... but perhaps that is not possible? Can you mix light and darkness? Fire and water?

Beyond this train of thought - pocket watches.
If you walked in a desert and found a pocket watch do you assume it came out of the sand or that someone manufactured it?
Is that a correct illustration of what life on earth is like. Of course living things complicate matters in the view of the universe. We create microsystems that try spin against the neverending current of entropy. The microsystems create microsystems that create more microsystems. And one particular microsystem decides to create for itself microsystems that do not even exist any longer upon a physical plane but upon an imaginary one.
If you walked in a desert and found a beautiful diamond - did someone craft it or did it come out of the sand.

Heck, you know what I think? I think if you were walking in a desert you'd be to busy dying of heat and thirst to worry about pocket watches and diamonds. If you want to think about where things came from you should look at the bloody desert and ask where it came from. Every grain of sand. You should ask where the heat comes from. You should wonder why you are able to suffer at all or why the hell it matters to you.

It would appear, from a cold viewpoint, the universe is one gigantic landslide towards emptiness. One day the data will run out and all you'll get is a blank screen.

An excerpt from the Sandman issue 10: The Wake. It is as the angel of silence Duma stands to make a farewell speech at a funeral but instead of speaking only sheds a tear -

"And in that tear they all saw mercy and miracles. And that every life had its meaning and purpose. In a plan that involved every single one of them on a deep and personal level."

People are like storybooks. There are dillion stories out there. True stories. And to abandon all of them to an abyss of meaninglessness it something I'm not prepared to do yet.

Awakening...

It's all about procrastination is what I think. The sense of urgency and stress and the want to run away from reality.

I've been thinking to myself a bit more lately. I'm really quite immature! I mean I don't want to move out of college. I don't really like looking for jobs unless they come my way easily. I feel quite... immature! The thing about most people my age is they have part-times. Be it working as a waiter or working behind a counter - yeah they have jobs. I have a casual job too - I work at the kitchen and house cleaning of college. But I got that job almost too easily. Maybe I shouldn't discount the fact that I actually did have to apply to those jobs, chase them a little and stuff. But for some reason I can't count it fully because... well just because it was so convenient! And because it isn't an every week kinda thing. Man, I feel under-accomplished. Well, at least these holidays I won't be wasting my life. I'll be doing a proper attachment with a dentist. One of those small local people who treat the lower eco-socio status. Should be really good exp if I do it well. Cross fingers.

Then of course, my religious drifting. Mark (not Thor but Aetherfox) told me once isn't it great not to have a guilt conscience or a moral conscience? In many ways I agree. Morality is a farce. Ethics are depend on circumstance, belief and are often several tiered within a person (think double standards times five). So - I conclude that morality does not actually exist and is a social construct. Great - that took a while to reach. But - I cannot let go of the concept that there are good things and there are bad things and that somehow there has to be some metric system to it.

Now, I can't decipher how to measure it. Justice is always depicted with a pair of scales. What does she use to weigh anyway? Karma is like a build up of worldly deeds, but does that mean we are like little sprites in a computer with little 'sin' tallies clicking over our heads? Vong receives 5 sin points for telling a lie. Possibly.

But from a contemporary Christian perspective - the tallying doesn't matter right? What matters is whether you love God or not... Hmmm... Well that solves the problem one way, no need to worry about sin accumalation or how to work it off. But it unfortunately produces another one. A more complex one. Well, how do you love God? How do you love anyone? - And before you run off to make a show of your undying devotion - how does one build up a relationship?

Parents. Now, we have parents - and it is easy to say I love my parents. Not that you don't mean it but I ask about the relationship. For example - I would study really hard not to disappoint my parents. But then, I have lied to them before. Does that mean you don't love your parents?

It is more or less like that with God I feel. And as I drift the stranger and stranger I find myself when I pull down wall after wall. I suppose it's all a matter of change isn't it? Are we changing?

Always is the answer. And why do I keep addressing myself as we...

The Reilgious Debacle

Listen carefully to the voices of this world. At first it's an incoherent garble like a radio that for some strange reason picked up on all the frequencies at once. And then people tune in slowly to the waves they can listen and dance to.

As I sit and listen and watch I realise slowly, maybe just a little of all the waves and messages I have been missing.

Tonight during a random discussion with Mark, while he played World of Warcraft on a separate window on his screen, we discussed how people in different cultures and lives just do not understand each other. How you could never explain to girls who love shopping the World of Warcraft and vice versa. How you could never explain to devout church going christians about the thrill of a nightclub, or clubbing addicts the peacefulness and spirituality of church. We ended the conversation agreeing and not saying much.

I continued with my task of making the magazine pages. Slowly one by one. The methodical work is energy sapping and eventually mechanical. This gives one a lot of time to think about the questions of life.

Tonight for a 21st, 50 or so people invaded my regular working space to drink and be merry. Very merry. As I looked up with a scowl on my face because my prudence and conservatism frowned upon such actions. I waited for them to pass through the motions of alcohol consumption. The activity reached its height as Chris ran around shamelessly nude. It was a shocking, lewd sight. Lots of people laughed, some girls screamed and some like me were scornful.

As my mind slowly settled into its philosophical mode I allowed myself to review myself and where I stood these days.

I have stopped going to church and meeting up with my cell. Yes, it is true that I have been very busy with work. But it is equally true that I have simply not wanted to go. I have grown tired of listening to the songs and the reading of the word and picking out its obvious meanings. At least, that is what I tell myself. Perhaps, more truthful is that I have just grown tired of trying.

I have stopped holding the prayer meetings. Without me leading, the group simply stopped. Oh, I'm not really scared for them. There is enough Christian support for them to fall upon in times of need now. I am not sure which one it was - did I give up my responisbility or did God take it away from me and give it to someone else? I can't tell.

So for a while I dared to stop holding everything together. I just let it all fall apart. I knew God would catch things. He always has. And so I drifted as I saw fit. I opened myself to slowly listen to other things again. I did not actively seek them and I did not simply want to take a nosedive. I remember the tales of Solomon. Solomon was supposedly the wisest man that ever lived. How true was that? I have no idea. But he was pretty darn smart anyway. At one point in the middle of his philosophies, he decided he had enough of wisdom and prudence. So he did everything he wanted to do, built himself some nice houses, some gardens, slaves, a harem everything you could want at that time. It was pointless though he wasn't happy. Then he went off and went crazy. Drank himself stupid and danced naked in the streets. Still there was nothing in that.

I don't know about finding the pointlessness of everything. I think there is something to be learnt from foolishness and madness if approached with wisdom. For Solomon to found out that at the end of it all that the same fate took over both the wise and the foolish. Which made him conclude both were meaningless.

But Christian life isn't meant to be meaningless right? And so I sit down and think some more. What did God want me to do now? Sometimes in order to build something you have to break things down. That's what I felt like. I had reached a particular level of understanding and faith. I found my God and saviour. Then I had tried to live those morals and concepts that I have always been taught as associated to Christian life.

For awhile they worked. But the struggle became harder and harder. And then... I just stopped. They weren't working for me at least. I couldn't live by mere moral right and wrong, black and white. I had to know something else. That and the fact that obviously I want to do a lot of things that morals say are wrong. Tempted, intrigued and tired of my well worn paths I had to stop. I mean after all, if you've tried something for so long and it just doesn't work then you have to attempt a new approach right? That's what I learnt from taking exams. If one study method doesn't work, switch.

So, back to the present. The drunk people. They have always fascinated me and this was why - I couldn't understand them. Just like explaining World of Warcraft to a non-player. And I realise that part of me wants to understand everyone, everything.

Was God trying to tell me something? Or could I just not hear Him anymore?

So Sarah came on MSN. And I started talking with her. And we started to debate the difference of non-Christians and Christians. Of course, the relationship with God. But I stopped and thought as I watched them. Hey, there were fifty of them in front of me. True, one was still running around with that obscene thing dangling between his legs but there was a spectrum of them. The conservative to the lewd. They weren't necessarily not spiritual or had no beliefs morals etc. They were like us. As stressed, sad, happy, striving and whatever that Christians were. What was the impact of God then in our lives if we were not different from them at all? We did not achieve more than they did and I think in all honesty among us there are those that live for ourselves as there are those among them who live for ideals and causes if not another God.

There is something drawing me to those strange and paths unknown to me. I have learnt the Christian walk. Or at least a good deal of it. I'm not as strong as other Christians I know but I understand them now. I don't understand these other people.

So I debated with Sarah. Then of course there is the purpose of God. This brought up the intense and interesting part of the debate. See, nothing exists outside of God. So although we have the plan and purpose of God within us (supposedly), then those who do not have this plan must have some sort of... anti plan. I don't know it's a strange theory that just raised it's strange head.

So I don't know. :P Honestly, I'm really tired and have a headache now. I will think about these things again. And I still have Sara and my conversation. Phew

Night

Please stop raining

Hurrah! Many things to be happy about. I can stay at college. I won some random prizes. Many things have been solved. And I should be happy.

Unfortunately, everything else does not want to let up.
My patient still really really wants his false teeth by Christmas. And I'm like grrr... It makes me stressed. And frankly, I could do without the stress.

Oh well. I guess it's not too big a deal. My priority is I pass dentistry. And if that means he can't get his dentures. TOO BAD!

Sigh, a little guilty though :(

Must do my best. Hope I make it through this stupid time corss fingers hope to die pray to God.

When it Rains it POURS

And since it was your own fault for dancing around the bonfire in only a grass skirt and feathers all over your head, chanting some ancient mantra and rattling some poor soul's shrunken skull to the heavens... what else do you expect.

It's that time of the year again where things start to get particularly stressful. Accomodation plans, increase in fees, room choosing, exams, blah blah blah blah. We've heard it all before.

The week has been about me feeling particularly about leaving college life. Why should I be worried? Let me first say that I don't have problems looking after myself. Yeah, some people have gone a bit far in saying I'm a namby pamby baby still being looked after at the age of 22. But honestly, my dear old fish go boil your head. I can cook for myself, easily. It's not some great feat. I can handle bills and setting up a phone account, an internet account, paying for electriity, water lodging whatever. Heck I do it at home for my family for crying out loud. You walk to the bank of the post office with a slip of paper and pay it. Big deal. I can clean, wash whatever. I can unplug a toilet bowl (which is nasty) and fix sinks and tie up water mains. I can change a baby's diapers, feed it and put it to sleep, ok? How many 20 year olds can say that confidently? I don't have to prove any of that to myself. The only thing I'm still not entirely sure about is how to change a car wheel. But hey, I've never had the chance to learn that one.

What am I worried about? I am worried about becoming a recluse. Maybe people don't really think that I will because generally I do make friends pretty easily. But living out on my own with a busy schedule like dentistry and being almost constantly tired, will I go out of my way to have a social life. I don't want to end up in some condition where my closest friends are made online. I don't want to end up stretching myself so far to make a new group of friends from scratch at one of my busiest universities. I certainly do not want to go spiralling off into depression at any point of time from loneliness.

So arguably, I'm socially immature. And that has always been the case I think in certain senses. The question is does that mean I should just throw myself out there and hope it'll solve itself? This isn't like not knowing how to iron your clothes so you have to try and burn a few clothes till you get it right. Loneliness and depression don't get solved that way and I think I am pretty prone to those two conditions if I am not careful. They are not unfamiliar territories to me.

Anyway, all that is up in the air for now. We shall wait for further word from other authorities before we decide just how we will go into next year.

Beyond this I have knotted myself up in something somewhat severe. Besides the fact I have things to study (who doesn't?) and a magazine to complete very soon. I have exposed myself to some college politics. It's not a particularly nice scene and I'm beginning to wonder if I ever should have. On the other hand I can see no other action that I would have accepted in full conscience.

So life is very exciting right now. Makes you feel alive in the day with the blood pumping in your veins and wrigglings in your stomach. Gives you a headache because the moment you stop thinking about one thing, something else demands attention. Makes sleep slightly rougher and really strange dreams - which may just be an effect of weather change. Makes a slightly more strained person for friendships which is not a good thing but it happens.

God? God is all at once absent and omnipresent in matters as always. I have looked at the matter in length and in a time where everything within a character is being put to test it is a good time to be thinking about what God has to do with all this. Everything and nothing! I find it difficult to explain but that's what it feels like. The imprint of Yahweh on every atom, on every particle, wave, thought, concept, spirit in existence. God and Jesus are too great concepts for me to forsake just like that. If I were to, something as great would have to take their place. Is there?

And this is me signing off.

The Holidays

Have come to an end. But it sure was a good one.

I don't feel as if I need more holidays, which is a good thing. But I sure do feel as if I want more. Which is also a good thing. Because it means I have not had a boring time.

The holidays started off with a church camp. The first one I've been to in my life. It was held in a camp out at the Mornington Peninsula, somewhere close to the beach though I never saw either sand nor ocean. It was a nice place out there covered by rather rolling brush landscape. At night it would be particularly dark. A sort of pitch blackness I have never known in my life. I mean a room can be pitch dark, but the sheer vastness of the empty blackness at night was alien to me. Anyway, it was an interesting time. I have not spent that much time with a bunch of Christians before. The social groups there function so... differently. I don't know about better, but differently. Often I could see the worldly traits as though straining to come out. When I say worldly I mean the things that I am used to quantifying when observing a particular group, such as sexual attraction, popularity, leadership, attention etc etc. It was there to degrees... but there were different values and stuff working too. How much of it was facade and how much of it was real well I have absolutely no idea. I had rather interesting conversations with several people there. Stories that made me want to cry or inspired me. They weren't your typical 'Christian' stories. Oh my life was booze, drugs and sex till I met the Lord Jesus and then the world was wonderful again. They were real stories. Not that lives of booze, sex and drugs turned around by God aren't real. But there were real true blue first hand stories of hard lives with resolutions that did not happen overnight. For myself odd things began to play in my mind though.

True, I had heard a lot of the stuff lectured on or variants of it. And again like it happens once so often, or actually hasn't happened in a long time actually, everything talked about seemed so pertinent to me I began wondering if it was just that everyone faces these same problems or was there some divine force at work. Difficult to tell really. And there was worship as well, but it didn't strike me like it used to. It used to be easy for worship to get to me and get me emotional. But despite many of the hymns being the type I used to like and know well, nothing happened. A song was a song and if I decided to verbalise then let's hope God was listening cos it wasn't doing much else. Things clicking in my head began to fall into place and I can't seem to explain them to anyone cos one aspect needs a strong Christian background to understand whereas the second aspect requires a rather unattached secular background to get.

Thus I was thrown into religious confusion after camp for many days. Put down to basics I didn't (and still to a good degree don't) know whether I can keep living this Christian life. Well, it's not as though the next day I'm just going to take alcohol, smoke pot, have random sex, listen to Slipknot, wear goth clothes and go do some funky spiritual stuff. But it starts in the heart anyway. I don't have to do any of that. All I have to do is not believe anymore and I'm free. Free to do what I will and whatever I want to do. No law except the law of normal earthly physics to rule my actions. Everything stood at a crux.

After much thinking and talking to many friends I realised it's not possible that I can turn away so easily and that my problems were rooted in very simple things. Like not having a girlfriend and being a healthy twenty year old who wants sex. I also learnt that many many many many people do not understand what God is about or how he works. Or maybe I just got it all wrong and everyone else is right. But I stand here now not knowing which foot to put forward. I haven't been to church for a long time but I feel as though if I did some sort of patience or something would just snap within me. So I am just waiting and learning and watching for now. Spiritually I feel to frail to move anything and I'm scared.

This holiday was spent with many friends. I do love my friends. I realise now that I am actually part of a small clique now. It has been ages since I actually was properly in a clique, not since Junior College and I have forgotten how nice it was to actually have one. I also have realised that this whole Christian thing not being part of the world... Well it's bloody true. Life is so much more comfortable, so much easier even... happier? if I was one of them.

I spent the holidays doing some work (which was good that I have sorted out the things I need to be studying over the next month before the exams) working on my magazine (with 20 pages made I'm feeling pretty confident if I keep at it strong I can be nearly done within a fortnight, at least I hope so) and my comic!

Wow, I've had such a headrush for my comic these two weeks it's fantastic. First there was a reasonable amount of art practice and I started dragging up the old writings from as far back as two years ago (man I've been working on this story for a long time). And all the characters are beginning to really mould and take shape and well... character. Obviously my comic will be a lot about God, life, death and all that mishmash. But growing with that is my fascination for wordplay, riddles and of course the pure art of it itself. It's far from finished though and it's a sheer joy to actually work on it.

But it's back to uni tomorrow. Life will change again :( I don't know. I was really rather happy this holiday period. In fact I don't really remember being this... contented for a long while. Oh well, take what you can get eh?

I hope this year will have a happy ending. I'm tired of sad endings. I know everyone out there says they hate happy la dee da stories cos they're not real and nothing is ever like that. But I say nope, give me a happy ending, I've seen too many sad ones already.

Well that's enough blathering for a night. Adios