Awakening...

It's all about procrastination is what I think. The sense of urgency and stress and the want to run away from reality.

I've been thinking to myself a bit more lately. I'm really quite immature! I mean I don't want to move out of college. I don't really like looking for jobs unless they come my way easily. I feel quite... immature! The thing about most people my age is they have part-times. Be it working as a waiter or working behind a counter - yeah they have jobs. I have a casual job too - I work at the kitchen and house cleaning of college. But I got that job almost too easily. Maybe I shouldn't discount the fact that I actually did have to apply to those jobs, chase them a little and stuff. But for some reason I can't count it fully because... well just because it was so convenient! And because it isn't an every week kinda thing. Man, I feel under-accomplished. Well, at least these holidays I won't be wasting my life. I'll be doing a proper attachment with a dentist. One of those small local people who treat the lower eco-socio status. Should be really good exp if I do it well. Cross fingers.

Then of course, my religious drifting. Mark (not Thor but Aetherfox) told me once isn't it great not to have a guilt conscience or a moral conscience? In many ways I agree. Morality is a farce. Ethics are depend on circumstance, belief and are often several tiered within a person (think double standards times five). So - I conclude that morality does not actually exist and is a social construct. Great - that took a while to reach. But - I cannot let go of the concept that there are good things and there are bad things and that somehow there has to be some metric system to it.

Now, I can't decipher how to measure it. Justice is always depicted with a pair of scales. What does she use to weigh anyway? Karma is like a build up of worldly deeds, but does that mean we are like little sprites in a computer with little 'sin' tallies clicking over our heads? Vong receives 5 sin points for telling a lie. Possibly.

But from a contemporary Christian perspective - the tallying doesn't matter right? What matters is whether you love God or not... Hmmm... Well that solves the problem one way, no need to worry about sin accumalation or how to work it off. But it unfortunately produces another one. A more complex one. Well, how do you love God? How do you love anyone? - And before you run off to make a show of your undying devotion - how does one build up a relationship?

Parents. Now, we have parents - and it is easy to say I love my parents. Not that you don't mean it but I ask about the relationship. For example - I would study really hard not to disappoint my parents. But then, I have lied to them before. Does that mean you don't love your parents?

It is more or less like that with God I feel. And as I drift the stranger and stranger I find myself when I pull down wall after wall. I suppose it's all a matter of change isn't it? Are we changing?

Always is the answer. And why do I keep addressing myself as we...