Friday, June 30, 2006

WoW strikes again!

Haha yes I have returned to the World of Warcraft!

Problem is now some people want me to play on some other server and I'm kinda reluctant to cos I'm having so much fun with me Night Elf Druid! Okay, true that Tauren Shamans aren't that bad a deal either. But I really really wanted a level 60 Night Elf and this is my one shot to get closer to it than I did last time. After all what do I have? Three weeks? Less? So I think I'm just going to do what the hell I like to do and the rest of them can just wing it.

Druids are the awesome. You get to play almost every class role in the game as a druid and fill in some cool niches. Right now I only got my bear form so I can't say much. I think I'll have a far better idea as I reach 20 and get my cat form as well.

I must admit I really miss my hunter though. My old account got wiped by my brother's girlfriend so poor Infuri is no longer. Feel like just recreating a character named Infuri for old time's sake haha. My new character's name is cool enough though - Kana, which I got from a Japanese girl living here at college haha.

I dream of being able to reach 60 and join some raiding guild somewhere. But probably that's just a dream and I will never be able to truly see all the end game instances. Oh well, never mind.

Sigh... tomorrow morning is dedicated to finishing projects, Satadal and planning the next couple of weeks. Yay, no work tomorrow.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Foosball rules

1. Don't spin the damned men around
2. Contenders get to start with the ball
3. When scored against you start the ball
4. It's not about strength it's about control
5. Be polite

All of which none of the idiots from the under 18 footie players were doing.

Therefore I went down and played against them with their own idiocies and trashed their asses. HAHAHAHA. I may not be the best in IH at foosball but today I sure upheld Ihers' honors.

That's right you oversized beef jerky, spin those men faster and let go of the handle cos then all I have to do is shoot between them and score a goal and there is nothing your tiny penis can do about it.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Quiet Times

Ai. Been awhile since I posted here. Been kinda busy running around a lot. But now that it's thee o clock in the morning and I can't back to sleep for some odd reason, I'm just going to blog the last few days in.

Friday was the last paper, yesss! Freedom! I've been thinking about the exams the past few days too. Well considering it all, I don't feel confident of getting my 70++ marks but I reckon I can score my 65++ marks. Eitherway, it's too late to fret about it now. The results should be out in roughly a week, just as Pirates of the Caribbean show.

We went to eat out on Friday night (well I've basically been eating out all weeekend), some Korean place. It was alright. It was good food yes, but I think we've had better Korean food somewhere else before. Went out to Robot Bar after that, interesting place. It was a strange bunch of is there. Aaron, Prateek, James, Yin, Veron, MZ, Liyen and myself. In a way it was James's farewell party. Together we found really odd things to talk about. Well eventually it did end up with MZ and his fingers in a hole in James's pants. Yes. It was dodgy. HAHAHA

Then Saturday came. Hui Yin didn't say goodbye to me before she left damn woman. Meh what to do. Saw a few people off at lunch. And then went to play World of Warcraft that yes I have reinstalled hahahah. Not sure what I should stick to playing though, I'm considering what will give me the most fun, oh well. Went out with Eddy, Kimmy, and Omar for Spicy Szechuan food. Oh yeah! What a tickle of the taste buds. Chilli like I've never had it in Melbourne before. Well, it was really spicy till the fish curry kinda cooled off. Then it began to lose it's kick. Kimmy owes me a spice contest now, she had really good tolerance of the food. Poor Omar was there suffering all the way from the spice. What a man! Respect. For dinner I went out with Emil and Kat. Mark's Place pizza. The tangy chicken pizza seems to have lost it's flare with the other flavours having more character this time around. Maybe cos we ordered the really strong tasting marinara. Anyway, Kat seemed to like the pizza so it's all good.

Sunday came and it was the day for James to leave. I was quite sad about it. He provided good entertainment for myself and he was one of the few males I actually talk to a fair amount. Hmmm.... and all the girls lost some eye candy HAHAHAHA. That's the thing about getting close to people I suppose, you lose them over time, it can be quite a sad affair.

That evening, Veron and Liyen decided to come over and cook dinner at my place. Sigh silly girls. Please note if you are cooking for six people do not invite nine over, especially since they are guys cos food will be scarce. Haha. It was alight eventually, some of them had eaten dinner and the food didn't taste too bad overall. I like having people over to the apartment actually. Puts some sunshine and life into the place. I should probably be a bit more proactive in having people over for food and stuff.

Monday - PAINTBALL! Man so much fun. Well, no I didn't own the field like I had wanted to. But then again I wasn't that bad a shot. Let me run you through the games we had. First game (capture the flag defensive side) - Couldn't see anyone through the damn fogged up goggles and was shooting into trees what a joke. 2nd game (capture the flag offensive side)- got shot by someone cos I thought he was wearing my colors... came back in a second time - commando crawled through the bush and up the hill - took on about four people all at once and killed three of them, now that was ownage, got killed by the fourth one because I couldn't differentiate him from the ones I had killed... 3rd game (gully war defensive) - camped at the base around the flag, our team was too good none of the enemy made it within 30 ft of our flag. 4th game (gully war offensive) - 7 of us decided to run up the far side. Shot at from both front and cross the gully it wasn't an easy road. They slowly picked us off one by one, unfortunately the front three men died to a single beserker. I behind with two girls managed to make it all the way within site of their base. Got picked off last by snipers on the other side behind a barricade. It's alright took four people out in that game. At least gave distraction for the other far side team to get the flag. 5th game (rescue the pilots) - was the pilot. haha camped low till the enemy line passed and out own people came. Didn't even get shot at - yawn. 6th game (pilot rescue) - didn't give a damn about the pilots, camped into the brush sniping people. It was really funny took two people out only but so well done. Got return sniped in the eye, man that was a good shot and in returning got taken out by my own team mate... 7th game (speedball) - funniest game of all, was superbly cautious basically it's an empty space with some barrels. Dunno how many i killed. But was really cautious so didn't die this game.

Lol. bruised and tired but really good stuff. Went to Bismi's then with S11 people. It was really good to see them again. I think they underestimate how much I appreciate them even though it is true I rarely go out to meet them often, but hey sue me, I'm in dentistry and I'm not as energetic as most people are.

Tuesday - a day of rest. Spent the whole day playing World of Warcraft basically. Couldn't be arsed to do anything else.

Today! - did my laundry. Yay! So now I have got lot's of clean clothes once more. And played WoW. But hey this time around it was very controlled and I did go out for a good half hour jog to the park round back. The scenery is really breathtaking at sunset and it was great fun. Also went to get some groceries so now I have oodles of noodles stocked up and a dozen eggs. Should really get a lot of writing and drawing done soon. Work starts tomorrow morning. Well spend the day working would be good. Then have to go runnning again and hopefully at night I'll get down to all that typing I've been meaning to do.

Phew - I'm tired now. Let's go smash some undead with my new priest haha!

Thursday, June 22, 2006

The Last Night...

That would be such a good title for a narration. Maybe one day I'll make one for it (such an inside out way of making a story but unfortunately that is how I do it. Maybe that's why my stories aren't so good)

It would be about the last night on earth. Imagine some unexpected catastrophe was going to happen. Let us say the most massive solar flare was iminent and it was going to swallow the whole earth. But it would move at such a speed that when it actually hits Earth, no one would feel any pain. Of course things like the electromagnetic field of the earth goes crazy, the animals go insane, massive storms destroy cities and dissipitate within minutes, all electricity stops and things like that.

The story would be about people. Very different people. I would like there to be a drug dealer in the back streets contemplating his life. Maybe a priest trying to spread the word of God in China. A bushman in the deserts not knowing at all what is happening. A pregnant teenager in England. The president of a country. A soldier in the middle of a war. An old man who has nothing left to live for. A famous popstar. A husband and wife who were just about to divorce.

That would be an interesting story wouldn't it? I don't think I could pull it off but it has promise.

Lol. Eitherway, it is the last night of studying for me. It is the last damned exam. Glorious medicine, the largest of all the subjects I've had to learn this semester! And surprise surprise I'm scared of it too!

Once I'm through this night I won't be here in this tutorial room again for a good while. I shall once more clear up the books and laptop, shift the tables back to their places. Look around this blue empty little room, wave and close the door.

Then I will return and see the last remnant of college disappear, most of them only a month, others for a much longer time. You can prepare more and more for it, but you can never stop feeling a little sad.

The semester is over! It's not a year, but it is a partition in time. Have you learnt much? Have you changed? What have you valued and what have you not?

I have learnt much and changed much and it feels a little like finishing writing one chapter and sighing... But the next day you flip open the next page and it's bright, blank and new.

Monday, June 19, 2006

So next up....

Well the pharm exam went alright by my standards. All I'm aiming for is a 70+ so for me that is really good.

Anyway, now the really scary ones are looming (okay who am I kidding I was scared silly by the pharmaco exam). But yes. I don't like pathology really much. The subject actually is quite interesting in itself, finding out how things go wrong in the body. But the structure it's laid out in is rather mixed up. From the lecture notes there is little distinction when it jumps from one disease process to the next. The poor note taking skills during lecture (and yes falling asleep in the first part of the year) have come to bite me in the ass.

But thanks to Patrick I have got Robin's Path Textbook with me now. And that has been a good help. Need to get at least 70% for tomorrow's exam too. Hope today's study will help in the overall.

Maybe tonight I'll go crazy again. Meh. Hope not. Got to keep things together. Catch you soon people.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Somebody please shoot me...

Ok. Mark and Jeanie were dying since last week and I've been holding out all the way to now. Now it is my turn to die.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! choke* splutter* die*

There are too many things running around in my head now. I am sick of barbiturates, benzodiazepines, phenytoin and all the other neurological drugs. Because they remind of just about how crazy I am and you can feed those drugs to just about anyone who is going crazy. Oh wait... maybe I'm going schizo in which case I can't give me those drugs cos they'll just exacerbate the symptoms! lalalala. Chlorpromazine and haloperidol is the way to go!

Here let me let you all listen to the names I have to memorize and can now rattle of the tips of my fingers. Takes deep breath* isoprnaline, bethanecol, pilocarpine, losartan, captopril, analpril, valproate, thiopentone, clonazepam, diazepam, atenolol, propanolol, necrodomil sodium, valproate, tetracycline, amphotericin B, aminoglycoside, minoxidil, polymyxins, streptomycin, abxicimab, streptokinase, alteplase, warfarin, salbutamol, salmeterol, zafirlukast, montelukast, acarbose, carbimazole, chlorpropromide, neviparine, acyclovir, lamivudine, squanivir, prednisolone, hydrocortisone, ribavirin, gentamycin, vancomycin, sulphonamides, trimethoprim, ..........

sigh this is worrying me. i can't remember all the related ones where they are used and what are their contrainidications....


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA


time to go crazy. I'm going to run around the room and scream a few more times again. bye bye

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Of rattled nerves and awkward dreams...

Man last night I was at the very end of my tethers. I must apologise to anyone I may have caused hurt advertantly or inadvertantly. I was like up the wall.

I must say the exams have part to do with this. In all honesty, I don't have to be stressed. I know enough to achieve my desired grades. I am quite comfortable with where I am standing and things ought to got to plan God willing. So, I have no reason to be that stressed at all! What the hell? It's as though just because everyone is panicking and running around like rats on a sinking boat I have to do the same or else I'll feel left out of the 'fun'.

Well screw it. Everyone can go get stressed if they want to. I've been studying hard for eight weeks already. I can get my passing grades almost assuredly. Hey, I'm in university, not high school anymore. I don't need to get 85 above for every single subject. I don't need to be competing for first place in class. And hell I left teenage hood some 4 years ago, I ain't young anymore, I want to live a little before I'm too old to do so. (Lol. All this has come from my mom who claims that I have seemed to continue with a very 'Singaporean' attitude of kiasuness hahahaha. She maybe right!)

So once again, screw it! I'm not stressed. So I have to study hard for another week. No problems. I ain't shooting for no stars, you can't eat them. I'ma gonna go shoot me some pig.

____________________________________________________________________________________


Dreams are the other weird thing that has been happening. Vivid, constant, weird dreams...

Ever felt like your subconcious was working overtime to fix itself? It feels like that everynight and I hardly feel rested whenever I wake up (a good contribution to the grumpiness after the fourth week of lousy sleep).

It's as though my dreams are slowly picking up pieces of my youth or older dreams and going through them again. Either trying to find reconciliation with certain concepts or closure to ancient issues. It's like a nightmare I keep having of my mother dying often it's of cancer. I dreamnt that nightmare two nights ago but barely remembered it the next day. The thing is the next night (last night) right in the middle of the dream, I remembered what I had dreamnt the night before. As though in this dream my mother was still dying of cancer. And then she wasn't dying. It was so.... weird like what I feared had not come to be...

Then there is the dream of going back to SPM or A levels. I tell you that is one hell of a nightmare. It's as though I have to redo the damned thing again and I'm back in my old dumb school. And usually I no longer remember how to study for it and I don't want to...

And then this morning was the dream of fire balloons. It was mad (rather fun too). It was like some huge night plaza and I kept bumping into people I knew and then we'd all get lost and bump into each other again. I met a girl I used to like, but I dind't like her anymore and she didn't like me, we were just good friends. Then we started to blow some plastic balloons to entertain some kids. The balloons turned into plastic bag like things. And then they grew larger and larger and then into massive multicoloured fire balloons. The last one was immense, there were like ten of us holding it down while hot air went into it just before we released it and it shot up like a rocket into the sun.

Do dreams try to tell us things I wonder? Or are they just the product of lots of cheese crackers, stress and a rather hot room? I have no idea. But I do know, I do miss just having a good dreamless sleep and waking up feeling refresed.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Music

This is exam period. That means I listen to a lot more music from my laptop than is usual XD Now I have many many nice songs I listen to. Beats and rythms have always amused and I just love DJ scratching (hence why I am a Linkin Park fan).

But what really really amuses me are lyrics. Not so much content as sound quality? The way words sound when strung together, rhyme and timing and phonetics. It's why I enjoy listening to rap cos the word play is often quite amusing if not intelligent.

However, the song that has been catching my attention is Alanis Morrisette's King of Pain. She has a great voice as it is and the lyrics are just awesome (even if they are on the dark brooding side) This is the verse that I like best.

There's a king on a throne with his eyes torn out,
There's a blind man looking for a shadow of doubt,
There's a rich man sleeping on a golden bed,
There's a skeleton choking on a crust of bread...

I enjoy the imagery a lot. It is a very sad painful song. Always cheer myself up after that with some Disney songs and Young MC's Bust a Move!

Oh yeah! Now back to pathology slides....

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Religious Things

So any exam period here is incomplete here at college if there were no religious discussions. I would like it if there were days I could just kick back with a few people and talk about religion casually, but it seems stress brings out the religious aspect of people, or is that procrastination?

Eitherway, it seems that what is on a lot of people's mind lately is, how authentic is the Bible? Especially, with the new hullaballoo about The Da Vinci Code, lost gospels, dead sea scrolls, the gnostic scrolls et cetera et cetera. It seems everyone is convinced that Emperor Constantine and his priests decided to simply choose books that would suit their purposes and needs in that day and time therefore it is ridiculous for us to use this text as a holy text.

Well, I thought I'd just like to share maybe some things I've thought about these matters, since Mark thought one point rather interesting.

Firstly, Jesus once went up to the Pharisees and teachers of the law. And he told them, "You search and search through all the writings and scrolls of history and law, believing that within it you will find eternal life. But that is not where it is found". Now, I admit perhaps I'm taking this out of context. Then again, is that not what we are doing? We riffle through the huge quantities of texts, comparing one to the next, jumping in excitement on anything controversial, trying to elucidate the truth.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not saying that the veracity of the Bible is not important. It is very important that we are not believing in a lie and that the Bible is authentic.

But let us be clear where our centre lies. Our faith is not in the Bible, our faith lies on Jesus. Our faith is that he is the Son of God and that he died so that our sins may be forgiven. Our faith is that Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life. Only then from there, do we use that faith to read and pray for understanding while we read the Bible. Jesus is the capstone of our building, the centre or rock upon what our faith is built upon. If we replace him with the Bible, our faith will crumble. And for non believers looking in, that is what I fear of for them, that they do not look to Jesus as the centre but the Bible and thus do not make sense of it all.

Let me talk about the Bible as well. The Bible is not the centre of the religion. But it certainly is one of the pillars of our faith. I shall try explain what reading the Bible is to a Christian and what reading the Bible is like to an outsider. To an outsider, the Bible is a collection of historical or mythical facts. It is a compendium of knowledge about what Christianity is about. It can therefore be tested for its authencity since any historical book must be aligned and correct with history and the manner in which it was produced and written is key. However, to a Christian reading the Bible, it is not just a history book. When a Christian opens the Bible with faith and in prayer, the Bible seems to take on a life of its own - thus the living Word of God. God uses the phrases, uses the chapters and stories to speak into a person's life. Sometimes, it is an answer to a prayer. Other times it can be a warning, praise, advice, caution, amusement even humour. It is one of the very large ways of listening and speaking to God. The Bible, to a Christian, can read very differently each time. Personally, I have read the book over and over again for a good ten years now, and still I am learning new things from it.

My all time favourite, is the parable of the Prodigal's Son. It is about a son of a rich man who one day decides to go up to his father and asks for all the inheritance due to him. Now the father is not happy to let his son go, but he does so because the son wishes to leave. The son then makes his way to the city and lives a frivolous life of sex, booze and rock( well their version of partying). After a while his money runs out and all his friends disappear. He starts working as a pig feeder till he's so hungry he wants to eat the pig food. Then he remembers that in his father's place even the workers got a better pay than he was getting. So he goes back with the intention to return not as a son but as a worker to his father. But everyday the father has been sitting on top of a hill looking for the return of his son. The moment he sees the outline of his son on the horizon, he rushes and hugs his son pig feed, muck and all. The son says no I don't deserve this make me a mere worker. But his father says, forget it we are going to celebrate your homecoming. So they have a big party. When the elder brother comes back and finds them partying he gets angry. His father comes out to him and asks what's wrong. He goes damn it I've been working everyday for you and you never even let me have a small party with my friends, this idiot returns and you kill the fattened calf for a feast. The father says, look you are always with me and everything I have is already yours, but come celebrate for your brother who once was dead is alive again.

See, reading this. How many focal points are there in that story? I have read it again and again and yet different parts will suddeny make a sense at different points of time in my life. It is easy to gloss over it and say yeah yeah we get what you're trying to tell us. Look at it carefully again, I challenge you, there are many meanings within that story than just the obvious one.

This is but one parable. There are stories and examples abound in the Bible. It is not a static book. When read in faith and prayer and obedience it can translate the voice of God.

Now, about the historical authencity of the Bible. Things here are going to get controversial and I must say these are my own ideas and theories. Don't take them as a truth but just consider them.

Let us look back into history and how God treated his own Name and belief. Back in those days there were many kingdoms around Mesopotamia, and basically they all fought each other claiming land and space. Only the Israelites knew of God and even among them many other religions crept in and took hold. When the Babylonians came and vanquished them and took them back as slaves, their religion survived. In fact King Nebuchadnezzar finally himself took up the belief in God (as in Jehovah for them). Later the Israelites returned to their own place and hundreds of years later the Romans came and once again the Emperor Constantine took up Christianity as his official religion.

Perhaps Constantine was not acting in a Godly manner. Quite possibly there were political and economical reasons for doing so. But God does take into account human weakness and evil and work it into his plans. As is evident from the life and death of Jesus himself.

This may sound harsh for me to say and I know there will be many disconssonant voices but I think that even in the choosing of the books of the Bible and the way the word of God was spread across the earth, God was there, knowing it was going to happen. Yes people are going to ask about what was so right about conquering other countries and forcing your religion upon them, destroying cultures and the right and wrong of the Crusades, the inquisition etc etc. But I think that through it all, God looked after His own name.

To draw an example, is it fair to blame Terrorism upon Islam? So... are you going to blame Christianity for all the history of the Church? Men and religion will always fail. The question is do you believe God would fail?

So is the Bible real and true? I have faith that it is. I have enough faith that God would have more than enough strength to make sure that his own name and his message would remain true till the end of the earth. For Jesus said, heaven and earth will pass away, but my word will never die.

Friday, June 09, 2006

First exam...

Was weird...

Well, I would complain. But the paper was so subjective, it's hard to tell whether or not you answered it well or not. In fact, it may depend a lot on the whim of the examiner whether you get good marks I reckon. At the very least, it just means most of us will pass and few of us will score and it wasn't a particularly good test of proficiency.

Haven't really felt like studying much at all today. Procrastinating right now by blogging this. Reading my old stories and going through really old pictures is always a fun thing to do. Brings back memories and rekindles ideas for the future.

Will eventually get down to work at ten... which I realise is in about ten minutes so this sentence is probably a lie. Oh irony of that sentence is beautiful. This sentence is a lie therefore it is a truth therefore a lie therefore a truth yet grammatically correct therefore impossibilites are possible. Another conundrums, don't you just love these things? If we were computers trying to figure out the universe we would crash and die trying to figure it out. But since we are human, we just don't really care.

Why do I ask these dumb question when I should be cramming pathology into my little tiny cranium...

Speaking of which, craniums. What could possibly cause all these girls to so desire gelato in the middle of the winter that requires a 40 minute walk in the freezing cold??? It doesn't make sense I tell you. Is there some kind of euphoria involved in the consumption of sugar and chocolate? And why don't I derive that happiness from such consumptions? Why am I biologically deprived of such a joy in life? It's cruel I tell you! Cruel!

As you can tell I've completely lost it :P

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Prayers answered and the will of God

How often do prayers get answered? For my own, I take note of them very seldomly when a prayer is answered. It is one thing to get good things from God. It is another thing to have something happen which could be due to chance. And then... there are things that should not happen but do, and you know your prayers were heard.

The last couple of days, have been stressful as hell. There comes to a point where I know I don't know everything in the notes, but I can't bring myself to read through them again because I'm sick of them.

Amidst a lot of personal doubt and increasing grumpiness and troubled sleep, yet there is the force of God moving through people in my life. It's funny. If you get to caught up in your own problems you would never see Him. He likes being invisible like that.

There are always too many problems in this world. Forever, there are people with woes and troubles. To actually see a few answered prayers, ones that I never expected to see answered, is amazing. Often I pray for things. But always so few things happen that you begin to pray without actually expecting anything to be fulfilled. Sometimes the times you wait it is never fulfilled. And then you begin to wonder if there is someone else at the end of the telephone line.

It really makes me think about a lot of things. If God knows my problems already, why do I still list them out to Him? If there are things he wants to happen and things he doesn't want to happen, then asking him for things, does it really make a difference? There are somethings I know that he would want and I want to, yet they never come true. Why? I don't understand God most of the time. Funny, most people take that as the excuse not to believe in Him. But I sit here waiting. Happy at least some prayers were answered. Happy that as far back as I can see I know He's been in my life.

Walking back in the shadows today, how easy and yet how difficult it would be to just stop all this Christian business. Tomorrow I could wake up and choose another path to walk. It would work. Maybe I would be happier? Makes me wonder which is the easier way out, to remain a Christian or to walk away?

It's not easy being Christian, for me at least. Everyday you wake up and you are meant to bear that cross in your life. It's not easy always trying to be nice to people. Some people just cross you and annoy you. And then you become a buffer for everyone else since you're the only one trying to be nice to them. I grow tired of trying to fend my beliefs. I would like to just say that I think everything and everyone is fine. It's not easy to live in faith - holding on to something that you cannot see and will never have proof of. It's not just trusting what you can't see, it's betting your life on it. Restraining yourself from a hundred things you would like to indulge in. And day after day of asking yourself why why why why? Sometimes it's suffocating... But sometimes it's something I bear with pride. Like battle scars. Other times I just want to throw in the towel and say God I'll meet you again at some later point in life.

Just tired now. Very tired.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Life can be so unfair

So in the exam today. Amalgam cusp reduction restoration. To date the most difficult procedure we have to able to do. To date I have not been able to make a satisfactory restoration.

In the exam, they gave us a different amalgam to work with. Softer, more time. It was beautiful. I packed it well. There were no deficiencies. The cusp was solid and well placed. I carved in the features, triangular fossa, grooves, everything. Perfect. I was overjoyed. The best restoration I have ever made and I knew it was good. It was worth an A grade. Two minutes to end of exam is announced. I am polishing it to make it shiny. I press against a side to clean of some dirt.... IT FRACTURES OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggg
ggggggggh

life can be really really really unfair...

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Talking to parents

Ok - warning this is going to be perhaps a rather deep post pending on my mood as I type. It may reveal some shocking things, and it may step on toes. I apologise first.

So I wake this Sunday morning. It's a slow wake and I feel relatively slow. Something irritates me in the back of my head. I can't determine it. Anyway, point is, I go down for breakfast and the breakfast table I sit with is full of - sex jokes... Lewd, crude, blatant sex jokes. On most normal days I can take it and on occasion participate even (often shocking a few people). But this morning I was not in the state to take it. I know the truth is that the more vociferous someone is with sex jokes the more likely it is that they are not actually very sexually active (or they are sooo sexually active it's not funny)

But in between the studying for the exams, doing some past year papers (which I feel was pretty good that now at least I know I can pass and pray to God, things go well and I'll truly be able to get that 70++ for all subjects) the thought has been bothering me. That stupid incessant thought that I am sure at one point or other I have I have lamented to all my friends.

See it shouldn't disturb me. But it does all the same. Of all my old classmates, I am the last remaining that has remained single (Ishak does not count and maybe I am forgetting a couple of others - and if any of you dare mention JC, Ishak will kill you for placing him in the same category). Almost all of my friends here have been attatched. So this disturbs me... is there something wrong with my psyche?

Secondly, other people. So many people have lost their virginities. Like everyone. It is after all a general statistic. And for some reason this disturbs me. More than it clashing with values I claim to ascribe to, it disturbs me that one day, I too may lose my virginity before marriage. To me, that is losing some sort of honor I have been holding onto all this time. And yet... I know indeed, in a moment of weakness, I could lose it all. Does it matter that much? What will the aftermath of that be?

In times of desperate confusion. When peers have no answers, and God is keeping very quiet, I turn to my parents. :P It's like a last resort to inner questions thing. When I know I can't take it anymore.

Lol. In ways I wish I turned to it more often for my parents often give me answers that are often true and often comforting. So I rang mum and dad. They were I suppose ammused with me and my puzzlement.

This is what the conversation with my mum goes like - So mum what do you think? Well, it is the current trend now. I mean you should not feel pressured to follow and be like all your peers. Just cos everyone else is attatched it doesn't mean you have to be. - yeah I know mum. still it disturbs - Well, you don't really know. You might be too choosy and there are so many reasons people are prepared to have a relationship for. If you are so adamant in looking for a beautiful, intelligent, interesting, sharing similar interests etc etc, then obviously it will take you time to find that person. Then again you never know, you might change and everything. Don't worry about it, your father in the bg says as long as you aren't gay it's okay. - Haha. Yeah. So mum, what happens if I do lose my virginity? - Well, I certainly wouldn't advocate you to go jumping from bed to bed. I think you should be rather commited to a relationship before you have sex. But you have to measure your own values. You already know what to do and what not to do in sex. I'd be alright. Look, when you come to it then worry about it. You will just have to weigh out what things you want to hold on to. I mean, you'll just have to weigh out your values, your christianity, what the girl wants and so on. Don't stress over it now. Wanna talk to dad he really wants to say a lot here haha

This is dad - So dad I was asking mom whether my views and stuff were normal - Well of course they are, as long as you aren't gay I wouldn't ask for more - :P - But Wen, you were always more of a thinking character anyway. I never really expected you to go for pure physical attraction. I think us Vongs are more like that. Of course you're 20 and full of raging hormones and when a pretty girl walks past you're going to look twice. That's okay that's normal. - And if I lost my virginity? - I wouldn't think twice about it. It's not like you're a daughter, you're a son. Just know that men can't be raped, so if you have sex you are responsible at least for agreeing to even if you don't initiate it. (insert here story about Vong honor and almost beating a white man to death with tai chi over a parking space - dad didn't want the space, he wanted the fight) Well, these days sometimes it's good to hold on to some values I mean you're only 22. And of course when you get money the bloodsuckers will all come. It's hard to tell. Don't worry about it.

Well they obviously said more but this is what I gathered.

Mum's advice in synopsis - take it easy, you have had girls attracted to you before, don't sleep around, use condoms, think things through.

Dad's advice in synopsis - sex is overrated, if you do it remember you agreed to it, at least you are not gay, it's no biggie eitherway, Vongs mature slowly in this area, be an honorable man, I can beat any white man to pulp :P

In a way I feel relieved. I guess now I feel free. Whatever I decide, it'll be my decision of what I want to do and why. I'll wait here at this point of thought process. At least now, it'll just be between me and God. And that's how it should be. Some day, we'll return to this conjecture, and I'll see just will happen. But I hope at the very least I will live in truth of who I am and what I have done - after all a Vong must uphold his honor :P

Thursday, June 01, 2006

End of SWOT vac

So we have reached Friday. And how do I feel about everything? Pretty alright actually...

Well okay, I'm not yet a monstrous walking tower of information that had I worked a fair bit harder in the middle of the semester I could be right now. But this is the best I've felt for any exam since my first semester and that has got to be a big plus sign.

Yeah, just need to keep working on those loose screws and pray to God the examiners don't decide to throw any screw balls cos if they do a lot of us are in deep trouble. What I'm scared of now is forgetting all the precious information in my head that seems to like vaporising and recrystallising when and if it feels like it. Also, I'm wondering if I actually do know enough to get my desired grades. The problem with doing past year papers without any answers is that it's hard to grade yourself and also there's your pile of notes beside you that make easy referral.

Ah the holidays will be upon me before I know it. It seems like it's going to be a relatively stressful holiday too with the amount of work that needs to be done. Oh well, let's get over these exams first then worry about holiday work.

Best inspiration always hits when you're stressed. Terrible isn't it?