Tired a little

I want a break.
Well not really a break. I want some time to recuperate.

You know, just time to get my head straight around some concepts. Discuss with some peers as to what to be studying and brushing up on.

Well the semester work isn't as heavy as previously. Which is a very very good thing. If not I would die for sure.

Still, I'm tired. And just a little grouchy these days.
Bah.. night all.

The tension has died down just a bit

For a little while.
It has been some horrible nights of sleep over here. Especially the one on Sunday night. It consisted of a nightmare that wouldn't stop. I would wake from it only to fall back into it a moment from waking. It was full of dark presences congregating around me in my room. They weren't ghosts, they were demons. They were in some ways more real because I knew I was dreaming. Finally in one of my awake moments I dragged myself up onto the floor praying to God for protection verbally.

I haven't had one of those attacks for some time now. I'm blaming it on a book I just borrowed, Salman Rushdie: The Satanic Verses. Or maybe it was just a fever I was running that night since I also fell ill that day. A combination of both? I can never quite tell.

It was difficult to wake up the next day.
Then Monday night also had very little sleep but that was my own fault.
Same followed on Tuesday night.

So basically I'm very very sleepy and I am going to bed before twelve! Wow!

But I feel as though the tension has died down slightly in my life. Dentistry is taxing yes, but it's not insurmountable. And so it the social life. And so is the spiritual life. It's as if everything feels slightly better for no real reason.

I do not know. I give thanks for the slight respite in my life. And hope it will last a little longer.

Good night y'all

It grinds on mercilessly

Everything does.
Time waits for no man - and that is true.

Here I am and I feel as though youth is slipping through my fingers like golden dust and I have no idea what to do to stop it. Or how to cherish it, or whether I should be regretting it... It's a little like watching yourself bleed to death.

Man I'm so morbid these days. I remember being morbid. I was young and foolish then. Loved the dark and the storms. Revelled in macabre art and gloomy dispositions. I woke up one day and realised I really did like flowers and rainbows. Then another day realised I liked sunshine and fern green. Eventually learnt I loved laughter and warmth. And the darkness faded then somewhere lost in the catacombs of the subconcious.

It never truly left. I think somethings can take a grip of you and never let go. I wonder how deep it runs, the dark roots.

But I digress...

It does grind on.
Dentistry waits for no man. You need to have studied it. Clinicals come. Patients need to be cared for. Exams and examiners do not pity. You want it to halt and you want a breath of air. But there is none. There is no time.

Or I'm just really badly organised. That's probably the key to it all.

And in the Middle East? It grinds on.
The exchange of missiles and gunfire and bombs. As important people in black suits and black dresses, turbans and white cloth, argue about what stands they wish to make and what compromises they can't accept continue, children and mothers and simple working men trying to live die and scream and suffer. What's the point of arguing what is right and what is wrong? It just grinds on without stop.

It's odd. I've never truly kept up to date with a conflict before. Not even when it was of countries near home. I didn't want to care. It saddened me too much. And this one does too. But how long can a man hide eh?

Maybe it's the winter that is getting to me once again. Though I doubt it.


Hearts and skies, tinged of bitter frost
Gray day and swallowing night; winter without remorse
Black ash and with bloody hands time was lost
The bitter sins of men without recourse

Lol

Apparently there is also something called too much sleep...

Having thus slept a good proportion of time (somewhere between 9-10 hours, which is a lot for me) My body suddenly refuses to sleep!

Suddenly there is a want to revise those damned lectures from the last week. There is a want to finally start making the first few pages of the college magazine. A rush of ideas to write into my comic. :P I need to get sleep like that more often.

Last Thursday I had the most horrendous clinical session. I do not know what happened there but I made the greatest fool of my self. Let me show you:-

Me - The tonsils are healthy, pink and shiny
Demonstrator - You can see the tonsils?
Me - ...yaah...
Demonstrator - Could you please stick out your tongue for me sir? Ok bend your head... No roll your tongue the other way... ... ... Do you have tonsils?
Patient - Nope got them removed when I was seven

-_-;;;

What was I thinking I have no freaking idea. I think I was either staring at some Pillar of Fauces or pharynx. Bah...

Then I didn't pick up any of his damned resin comp restorations on the incisors. I got really really banged for that one.

Demonstrator - This is a really fundamental part of dentistry. You have to be able to pick out natural tooth structure, restorations and diseased tooth. You should be able to do this by now. I expect you to be able to do this by the end of semester.

There's a kinda hidden "or else" at the end of that sentence.

Sigh and I can't really blame her. My clinical skills are atrocious. Same goes with my exam results. I foresee very very bad trouble...

And it's way too late to turn back now. This is perhaps the greatest challenge I have ever faced.

Put a brave face on and keep walking after all I'm nothing if not a survivor.
(And funnily enough, I told my mom and she was like - That's alright. I was like - huh??? And she goes, what do you think we all never made those kind of mistakes through our clinical years?... Momma knows best)

They say...

...too much sleep is a sign of depression.

And in my case that may be true.
There's some part of the body when it loses life all it wants to do is sleep. Because it is like death in a small part. Sometimes I see a point in the finality of an end. Every story has to end someway. If not nothing would ever begin.

And when you find that your waking hours are unsavoury and life is not what you wished it would be, part of you seeks death as though the story were drawn well past its finishing point and the audience is yawning. Within sleep, even fragmented and disjointed sleep, therein lies a death.

I guess death isn't really an end. And no end is really an end. It's just an escape from one beginning to the next. And depressed people all they really do is escape...

So I escape... I sleep.