The Reilgious Debacle

Listen carefully to the voices of this world. At first it's an incoherent garble like a radio that for some strange reason picked up on all the frequencies at once. And then people tune in slowly to the waves they can listen and dance to.

As I sit and listen and watch I realise slowly, maybe just a little of all the waves and messages I have been missing.

Tonight during a random discussion with Mark, while he played World of Warcraft on a separate window on his screen, we discussed how people in different cultures and lives just do not understand each other. How you could never explain to girls who love shopping the World of Warcraft and vice versa. How you could never explain to devout church going christians about the thrill of a nightclub, or clubbing addicts the peacefulness and spirituality of church. We ended the conversation agreeing and not saying much.

I continued with my task of making the magazine pages. Slowly one by one. The methodical work is energy sapping and eventually mechanical. This gives one a lot of time to think about the questions of life.

Tonight for a 21st, 50 or so people invaded my regular working space to drink and be merry. Very merry. As I looked up with a scowl on my face because my prudence and conservatism frowned upon such actions. I waited for them to pass through the motions of alcohol consumption. The activity reached its height as Chris ran around shamelessly nude. It was a shocking, lewd sight. Lots of people laughed, some girls screamed and some like me were scornful.

As my mind slowly settled into its philosophical mode I allowed myself to review myself and where I stood these days.

I have stopped going to church and meeting up with my cell. Yes, it is true that I have been very busy with work. But it is equally true that I have simply not wanted to go. I have grown tired of listening to the songs and the reading of the word and picking out its obvious meanings. At least, that is what I tell myself. Perhaps, more truthful is that I have just grown tired of trying.

I have stopped holding the prayer meetings. Without me leading, the group simply stopped. Oh, I'm not really scared for them. There is enough Christian support for them to fall upon in times of need now. I am not sure which one it was - did I give up my responisbility or did God take it away from me and give it to someone else? I can't tell.

So for a while I dared to stop holding everything together. I just let it all fall apart. I knew God would catch things. He always has. And so I drifted as I saw fit. I opened myself to slowly listen to other things again. I did not actively seek them and I did not simply want to take a nosedive. I remember the tales of Solomon. Solomon was supposedly the wisest man that ever lived. How true was that? I have no idea. But he was pretty darn smart anyway. At one point in the middle of his philosophies, he decided he had enough of wisdom and prudence. So he did everything he wanted to do, built himself some nice houses, some gardens, slaves, a harem everything you could want at that time. It was pointless though he wasn't happy. Then he went off and went crazy. Drank himself stupid and danced naked in the streets. Still there was nothing in that.

I don't know about finding the pointlessness of everything. I think there is something to be learnt from foolishness and madness if approached with wisdom. For Solomon to found out that at the end of it all that the same fate took over both the wise and the foolish. Which made him conclude both were meaningless.

But Christian life isn't meant to be meaningless right? And so I sit down and think some more. What did God want me to do now? Sometimes in order to build something you have to break things down. That's what I felt like. I had reached a particular level of understanding and faith. I found my God and saviour. Then I had tried to live those morals and concepts that I have always been taught as associated to Christian life.

For awhile they worked. But the struggle became harder and harder. And then... I just stopped. They weren't working for me at least. I couldn't live by mere moral right and wrong, black and white. I had to know something else. That and the fact that obviously I want to do a lot of things that morals say are wrong. Tempted, intrigued and tired of my well worn paths I had to stop. I mean after all, if you've tried something for so long and it just doesn't work then you have to attempt a new approach right? That's what I learnt from taking exams. If one study method doesn't work, switch.

So, back to the present. The drunk people. They have always fascinated me and this was why - I couldn't understand them. Just like explaining World of Warcraft to a non-player. And I realise that part of me wants to understand everyone, everything.

Was God trying to tell me something? Or could I just not hear Him anymore?

So Sarah came on MSN. And I started talking with her. And we started to debate the difference of non-Christians and Christians. Of course, the relationship with God. But I stopped and thought as I watched them. Hey, there were fifty of them in front of me. True, one was still running around with that obscene thing dangling between his legs but there was a spectrum of them. The conservative to the lewd. They weren't necessarily not spiritual or had no beliefs morals etc. They were like us. As stressed, sad, happy, striving and whatever that Christians were. What was the impact of God then in our lives if we were not different from them at all? We did not achieve more than they did and I think in all honesty among us there are those that live for ourselves as there are those among them who live for ideals and causes if not another God.

There is something drawing me to those strange and paths unknown to me. I have learnt the Christian walk. Or at least a good deal of it. I'm not as strong as other Christians I know but I understand them now. I don't understand these other people.

So I debated with Sarah. Then of course there is the purpose of God. This brought up the intense and interesting part of the debate. See, nothing exists outside of God. So although we have the plan and purpose of God within us (supposedly), then those who do not have this plan must have some sort of... anti plan. I don't know it's a strange theory that just raised it's strange head.

So I don't know. :P Honestly, I'm really tired and have a headache now. I will think about these things again. And I still have Sara and my conversation. Phew

Night