Of rattled nerves and awkward dreams...

Man last night I was at the very end of my tethers. I must apologise to anyone I may have caused hurt advertantly or inadvertantly. I was like up the wall.

I must say the exams have part to do with this. In all honesty, I don't have to be stressed. I know enough to achieve my desired grades. I am quite comfortable with where I am standing and things ought to got to plan God willing. So, I have no reason to be that stressed at all! What the hell? It's as though just because everyone is panicking and running around like rats on a sinking boat I have to do the same or else I'll feel left out of the 'fun'.

Well screw it. Everyone can go get stressed if they want to. I've been studying hard for eight weeks already. I can get my passing grades almost assuredly. Hey, I'm in university, not high school anymore. I don't need to get 85 above for every single subject. I don't need to be competing for first place in class. And hell I left teenage hood some 4 years ago, I ain't young anymore, I want to live a little before I'm too old to do so. (Lol. All this has come from my mom who claims that I have seemed to continue with a very 'Singaporean' attitude of kiasuness hahahaha. She maybe right!)

So once again, screw it! I'm not stressed. So I have to study hard for another week. No problems. I ain't shooting for no stars, you can't eat them. I'ma gonna go shoot me some pig.

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Dreams are the other weird thing that has been happening. Vivid, constant, weird dreams...

Ever felt like your subconcious was working overtime to fix itself? It feels like that everynight and I hardly feel rested whenever I wake up (a good contribution to the grumpiness after the fourth week of lousy sleep).

It's as though my dreams are slowly picking up pieces of my youth or older dreams and going through them again. Either trying to find reconciliation with certain concepts or closure to ancient issues. It's like a nightmare I keep having of my mother dying often it's of cancer. I dreamnt that nightmare two nights ago but barely remembered it the next day. The thing is the next night (last night) right in the middle of the dream, I remembered what I had dreamnt the night before. As though in this dream my mother was still dying of cancer. And then she wasn't dying. It was so.... weird like what I feared had not come to be...

Then there is the dream of going back to SPM or A levels. I tell you that is one hell of a nightmare. It's as though I have to redo the damned thing again and I'm back in my old dumb school. And usually I no longer remember how to study for it and I don't want to...

And then this morning was the dream of fire balloons. It was mad (rather fun too). It was like some huge night plaza and I kept bumping into people I knew and then we'd all get lost and bump into each other again. I met a girl I used to like, but I dind't like her anymore and she didn't like me, we were just good friends. Then we started to blow some plastic balloons to entertain some kids. The balloons turned into plastic bag like things. And then they grew larger and larger and then into massive multicoloured fire balloons. The last one was immense, there were like ten of us holding it down while hot air went into it just before we released it and it shot up like a rocket into the sun.

Do dreams try to tell us things I wonder? Or are they just the product of lots of cheese crackers, stress and a rather hot room? I have no idea. But I do know, I do miss just having a good dreamless sleep and waking up feeling refresed.